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Supporting My Mom...anyone else feeling like this?

  • Veronica
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1 year 5 months ago #1071 by Veronica
Veronica created the topic: Supporting My Mom...anyone else feeling like this?
I'm 48 years old. My mother has been an unmedicated schizophrenic my entire life. She lives with me. I'm going to speak selfishly for this post but please know that I recognize that my position is easy compared to hers.

I can handle her voices (although I know that she's ultimately the one who has to "handle" them). I'd gotten kinda sorta used to her delusions. When she talks about the fact she's actually a queen and has many palaces, I'm fine. When she asked me if I'd like to live in one I said yes, absolutely, who doesn't want to live in a palace? When she talks about her stint in the circus as a trapeze artist, no problem. When she cries because of the tortures she endured when her family sold her to a whore house, I feel sad for her. When she cries because her family put her in a garbage can and set her on fire, I feel her pain. I can see she's not making this up...it's genuinely affecting her as much as my history affects me. When she tells me about when she was an airforce pilot, a teacher, a farmer who worked crops...I listen. When she was happy because they "turned off the Queen Machine" (apparently there are many women who want her "position" but Queen Tracy has been shut down and she was the ring leader) I was happy with her.

She recently told me that she used to minister to the masses in her church. Once when she was out on her horse getting medication for the children, she was confronted by bad people and she had to get off her horse to fight. When she drew her sword, it knocked her off balance and since she was standing with her back to a cliff, she fell over. She didn't get hurt though because a 30metre lizard caught her and put her back on the cliff. What a relief.

She's only 71 years old and although she has always seemed frail, now that she's overweight she has a terrible time walking. She walks extremely slow. I mentioned that she needs to walk more because she's not old enough to be this old. So she explained that 'those people' bent all her toes backward until they broke. Her feet hurt. I can see her wince as she walks.

About a month later I suggested that perhaps the extra weight she's carrying isn't helping her toes heal. She explained that it's not her extra weight, it's that 'those people' have attached weights to her just to slow her down. And honestly that's exactly what it looks like to watch her walk.

She's also explained that she's not as young as I think she is. 'Those people' use their machine to keep her going.

Here's my problem: For some reason every time she tells me a new delusion, it zaps my energy for days. I can be feeling fine, ready to greet the world and my responsibilities to the world, then she'll come into my room and tell me a new story and I end up sitting there, kind of stuck, all day, not leaving the house, barely leaving my room. I can't figure out why it has this effect on me.

When I talk to my friends and family they respond with how sad this is for her. They remind me how isolating and lonely and sad all this must make her. I think my friends and family believe I'm selfishly not considering her perspective.

And it is hard on her. I know it is. I swear don't mean to be selfish. I don't want to just sit like a lump for two days. I don't even get what my problem is.

Does anyone else go through this? Has anyone found a way to not be affected like this? Is it really just me?

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  • dolphin
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1 year 3 months ago #1112 by dolphin
dolphin replied the topic: Supporting My Mom...anyone else feeling like this?
I think you need someone to support you for awhile.

You must be exhausted.
The following user(s) said Thank You: Veronica

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