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A Little About Me and the Voices

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1 year 8 months ago #1053 by autumnel97
autumnel97 created the topic: A Little About Me and the Voices
I'm 20 years old. I started hearing voices when I was around 14. At first it was very subtle. I would just hear my name being called and I would hear indistinct whispering and mumbling. But it gradually got worse until I was hearing voices in my head almost constantly. I could barely function. But I hid it until recently. I didn't start seeing a psychiatrist until last year. He diagnosed me with severe Bipolar Disorder with psychotic features and put me on Antipsychotics and so far I have been on three different ones and none of them work. I'm thinking about just stopping medication completely since it doesn't work and I don't like the side effects.

Anyway, so about my voices. I have 7 voices in my head now (at least 7 that have names): Mordecai, Malachi, Destery, Emily, Twelve, Benedict, and Camilla. Mordecai and Emily are good voices. They're my friends. Destery is good sometimes and bad sometimes. Twelve, Malachi, Benedict, and Camilla are bad. Malachi is a demon. He's always threatening me and telling me that he's going to drag me to Hell. Sometimes at night he sends demons after me and they grab me and scream at me. He tells me things such as that God doesn't love me and God can't save me. He also tells me to do things such as hurt myself or kill myself. Benedict and Camilla are aliens. I just started hearing them recently. They tell me that they have an important mission for me and part of that mission involves killing myself. They get very angry at me when I refuse. Mordecai and Emily defend me and tell me not to kill myself and that the other voices can't really hurt me.

So, that's my story, I guess you could say. Just wanted to put that out there.
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1 year 8 months ago - 1 year 8 months ago #1054 by dolphin
dolphin replied the topic: A Little About Me and the Voices

autumnel97 wrote: I'm thinking about just stopping medication completely since it doesn't work and I don't like the side effects.


Unless you are danger to yourself, or others I strongly concur with your thinking. Replace the drugs with a therapist if at all possible.

The Chemical Neuroleptic
" What we’ve discovered is that the more antipsychotic drugs (Neuroleptics) you’ve been given, the more brain tissue you lose… They block basal ganglia activity. The prefrontal cortex doesn’t get the input it needs and is being shut down by drugs. It also causes the prefrontal cortex to slowly atrophy [waste away]".
--- Dr. Nancy Andreasen (Neuroscientist/Psychiatrist)
http://www.mythsandrisks.info/psychiatric-drugs-risks.html


Have you read my first and last posts in this thread?
http://www.hearingvoicesusa.org/forum/general-discussion/80-the-dolphin-in-me?start=20

My experience in life taught me the hard way the following,,,

It is a waste of time trying to explain your perception to normals. They will NEVER understand. Worse is that most will make life harder for you once they know the details. That includes family and friends. There may be that rare exception, but finding that person is not worth the risk of broadcasting your condition. Relationships are very near; if not completely impossible. Get used to being alone, or at least spending the vast majority of time in the privacy of your room. Socializing online was a safer alternative for me personally. Oh, one other thing. Do not fall prey to alcohol. Alcohol tends to open a can of worms best left closed.

P.S. Unless you want to be locked up in a psychward never tell a medical professional you are having suicidal, or homicidal thoughts. Telling them that is what your voices are threatening you about even though you refuse to listen to them is not going to mitigate their decision to lock you up. The sad reality is that psychiatric facilities are always in need of inventory that they can make money from. You are their potential inventory. Once in custody you will get a protocol of standardized treatment. You will also run the risk of being committed long term. In my early years I was involuntarilly Baker Acted quite a few times. A Baker Act is an involuntary committment for three days of observation after which you are evaluated for release. Every time I was Baker Acted I minded my P's and Q's and kept my mouth shut. Never once did I spill my gutts. In my case each time I was promptly released in three days which was always my goal. I made it through the startling phase and well into my adjustment/organizational phase of voicehearing on my own without any professional help. Throughout that ten year period I kept my condition to myself. Back in those days there was no such thing as a Hearing Voices Network for me to turn to.
Last Edit: 1 year 8 months ago by dolphin.
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1 year 8 months ago - 1 year 8 months ago #1055 by dolphin
dolphin replied the topic: A Little About Me and the Voices
New Online Groups!

There are now ONLINE opportunities to connect, share experiences, and find mutual support!

WHEN: Every Monday and Sunday, 7PM to 8:30pm Eastern / 4PM to 5:30pm Pacific

HOW: These groups use the ZOOM meeting platform which is free to download on computers and Smartphones. Call-in option is also available.

WHO: These groups are specifically for those with personal lived experience with hearing voices, seeing visions, and/or negotiating alternative realities. They are voice-hearer facilitated.

CONTACT: With further questions and for details on how to access the group please email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
Last Edit: 1 year 8 months ago by dolphin.

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1 year 8 months ago #1056 by autumnel97
autumnel97 replied the topic: A Little About Me and the Voices
I see a therapist and take medication, but I'll probably stop the meds and just see my therapist. I've told only a couple of people in my life about my voices. They're supportive, though they don't really understand what it's like. I was VERY careful about who I told. I only told those who I thought would accept me anyway. Also, I don't drink and have no intentions to do so.

I made the mistake recently of opening up to my therapist about my voices wanting me to kill myself. She said she didn't think I needed to be an inpatient anywhere because I wasn't doing what the voices said, but she did tell my granddad to hold onto my medication for me so I couldn't use it to kill myself.

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1 year 8 months ago - 1 year 8 months ago #1057 by dolphin
dolphin replied the topic: A Little About Me and the Voices

autumnel97 wrote: I made the mistake recently of opening up to my therapist about my voices wanting me to kill myself. She said she didn't think I needed to be an inpatient anywhere because I wasn't doing what the voices said, but she did tell my granddad to hold onto my medication for me so I couldn't use it to kill myself.


Therein is a dilemma. If you don't open up your damned; and if you do open up your damned.

Your damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I mean really what good is going to therapy if you can't open up? Kinda limits progress.

Its a lot easier to avoid being locked up if you have a therapist. I was mainly refering to emergency room medical professionals, or law enforcement when I warned against admitting to suicidal, or homocidal thoughts. Admitting that kind of stuff to people who do not know you, or who have no vested interest in your long term out patient clinical care are left with no other option except locking you up. A private Psyciatrist and a therapist you see on an appointment basis can be fired by the patient if they do something you don't like. They can lose your business. They have a vested financial interest in keeping you happy with their service. They will be loathe to lock you up if they know you don't want to be locked up. You would have to pretty much go overboard to cause them to order hospitalization against your will. An actual suicide attempt, or some bizzare uncontrollable behavior. Even then they would seek a member of your family to agree to it first.

The point is you really do need to be open with your therapist. Perhaps you should discuss with your therapist what criteria you would have to meet before they would consider involontary committment. Explain to them that your concerns are impeding your ability to open up. You want to be able to open up without that concern.

P.S. My first therapist was super charged on trying to convince me to take the anti psychotic medication. The dolphin saved me from caving to the pressure. Its likely your therapist will be very convincing in an attempt to get you to continue taking them. Its possible they may even try to scare you into changing your mind if you hold to your conviction that you do not want to continue taking them. My advice is not to allow yourself to falter in the face of their concerted effort to overrule your decision on the matter. You have already said you have been hearing voices for many years and you managed without them. The medications are not a cure. The only cure worthy of being called a cure is intellectual development. Knowledge and insight are the only path I know of towards achieving the third stage of voice hearing that HVN calls "The Stablization Phase".

Psychotherapy is one way of gaining both knowledge and insight. Gestalt therapy even moreso than regular talk therapy. Something I was fortunate to get with my first therapist. In my experience the process requires a committment to what amounts to life long learning which is a journey that will lead you to experience increasing levels of perception. With increased perception comes increased mental organization. The second phase of voice hearing is in fact referred to as "The Organizational Phase" for very good reason.
Last Edit: 1 year 8 months ago by dolphin.

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1 year 8 months ago - 1 year 8 months ago #1060 by dolphin
dolphin replied the topic: A Little About Me and the Voices
An idea.

Check out this two page PDF.

Consider printing it out and taking it with you to your next therapy session.

Use Acrobat Reader to open it. http://www.hearingvoices.org.nz/attachments/article/89/Three%20Phases%20of%20Voice%20Hearing.pdf
Last Edit: 1 year 8 months ago by dolphin.

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1 year 8 months ago #1061 by autumnel97
autumnel97 replied the topic: A Little About Me and the Voices
Thank you for the PDF. I've talked to my therapist before about stopping medication and she has been trying to convince me to stay on them. She can be pretty convincing, but I'm not going to let her make that decision for me. The choice has to be mine.

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1 year 6 months ago #1062 by dolphin
dolphin replied the topic: A Little About Me and the Voices
If you need them take them. If you don't then don't

Forums been down a long time.

Hope everyone is still hanging in there. Looks like I am the first one back to make a post.

TESTING 123

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8 months 3 days ago #1205 by chas93101
chas93101 replied the topic: A Little About Me and the Voices
At the age of 22 I started hearing violent voices threatening me with personal injury. The voices seemed real to me but they would most often occur when there was no one around. At that point I know I was going absolutely mad, out of my mind and started seeking professional help. Dumb me; I thought they still had big state hospitals that I would be locked away in. So I was guarded about what I would reveal in evaluation interviews.

I was told that I was very mentally ill and that medications where the only relief from my torment that could be hoped for. I always believed that my symptoms where directly related to the stress and abuse of my childhood. The medications were never effective in controlling my symptoms they only added god awful, disabling side effects to my symptoms. I was in psychiatric treatments and non-voluntarily hospitalized 8 times over 6 years. The longer I was in treatments the worse I got. I finally decided that if I was ever going to live anything like a “normal person” free of symptom I was going to half to quit complaining about my symptoms and start going it alone. I had really bad withdrawals for over 2 years. That was on top of a profusion of symptoms. I was so screwed up during those 2 years that it all seemed like one big long nightmare. After I got over the withdrawals and stabilized by staying in homeless centers all over the west coast I finally found a therapist that was dedicated enough to accept a challenging case like me. Although she usually worked with psychiatrist she knew that if she did not want to lose me as a client that she should not push meds on me. She was very patient and listened to what I had to say about my condition. She used a number of different therapy styles on me and over a number of years I kept getting better and better. More about me
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